June 29, 2013: My Personal Journal Entry. My will, NO, God's will be done!

Father God, this morning while reading Your Word, I had a sinking feeling that I had wandered back onto the wide a chaotic path. With Your Word open upon the floor of my childhood bedroom, I prayed for direction. Suddenly, a strong feeling to call my husband to discuss our marriage came over me. I wanted to obey. Yet, my flesh began crying out, “This is your chance. Get out now while you can!” The thought of returning to an unhappy marriage filled me with sorrow. Pride welled within me as I told myself, "You will have to say you are sorry first."  I decided to drown out all the other voices and to obey You.

Staying still for a moment, I pondered how to keep Travis occupied while I privately spoke to his father. "I'll drive to the beach." I thought. "Maybe Travis can play in the sand while I speak to LeeRoy."

As soon as we arrived at the beach, I called my husband. I tried to talk to him about our marriage, but his mind was made up. He was divorcing me, no matter what I said.

After our phone call ended, I sat motionlessly for a while. I couldn’t help but notice how small, insignificant and weak I felt. The rejection was almost too much to bear. Were we really getting a divorce? “That wasn’t the promise I had been reading in Your Word for the past few years.” But now, LeeRoy was adamant. I was not to return home.

Confusion set in as questions rolled into my head. Were You were allowing me out of my painful marriage? Was I being punished for pridefully walking away from Your plan? I had no answers. I just knew that I was now standing at another crossroad. Utter sadness came over me.

March 25, 2012 My Personal Journal entry: Sitting alone in church again?

Dear Heavenly Father, two short years ago, my husband and I were sitting side by side turning the pages of our Bibles together in church. Now sadly, we are struggling in our marriage once again. It all started when he began traveling across the USA for work. Perhaps we weren’t ready for time and space to come between us.

Now, we only see LeeRoy one weekend a month when he returns home from his far away job site. While Saturday is a day of re-connection, we usually spend Sunday apart. Travis and I attend church while my husband goes golfing. Each time a church member asks, “Where’s LeeRoy?” I choke back tears. When Travis cries and says, “I miss my dad.” I cry along too. It’s clear that once again, we’ve become a divided family. And, this fills my heart with sorrow. Please God, help us to become a family that loves spending time with one another that and lives to bring honor to Your name. Through Jesus, I pray. Amen.”