February 11, 2012 my journal entry: When Guilt Consumes You.

        Father God, one of the most personal and precious gifts I’ve received since I got saved has been the presence of a graceful and gentle dove. I’ve loved the sound of their cooing from the start. Without fail, during moments of great sadness and those of triumphant joy, a dove has appeared by my side bringing me comfort and confirmation of Your faithful presence. Such a divine reminder that You are with me!

        Perhaps that’s why I am taking what happened today so hard. It began when Travis watched a special on television demonstrating how to turn a pine cone, peanut butter, and birdseed into a gourmet snack shack for birds. At one point, the special caught my attention and I immediately began to think, "What a great way to show our appreciation for my faithful snow white friends.” Soon, we decided to search for cones and seeds. At the local pet store, we learned that doves like to eat their food from the ground. So, when we returned home, we enthusiastically covered the ground in front of our apartment with a quarter pound of bird seed. Unfortunately, I hadn't considered the possible consequences.

        In fact, I had completely forgotten about the homeless cat we’re also taking care of. She (I think she’s a she) had just shown up at our apartment one day. My heart filled with compassion for her skinny frame. We named our new friend "Hope." Right away, I began feeding her and tucking her into to bed, a box with blankets, on our porch each night. Then, before I’d lay my head to rest each night, I’d pray that Hope might find a good home. It’s hard to say now, which animal I hold more dear, the homeless cat or the doves.

        Imagine my shock when the children in our neighborhood pounded on my door. "Come quick! The black cat just attacked a bird!" I ran outside and scooped up a helpless and dying dove. Then, I shooed the kids away and instructed my son to fetch the phone while I held the sweet soft bird close to my heart. The dove bled profusely while I cried. I prayed to You LORD, "Please spare this bird! I am sorry I hurt Your special gift. Please forgive me." While my heart filled with guilt, I grabbed the phone and called every animal rescue organization in the area. Then, I impatiently waited for a return call. Meanwhile, I gently and compassionately held my wounded friend. I kissed the dove and said, "I'm so sorry!" The bird warmly nestled his head to my chest. I felt heartbroken. The pain in my chest mounted while tears overflowed. I sobbed! Then, I carefully placed the frail bird in a shoe box and wept some more.

        I blamed myself. In my mind, I had destroyed a beautiful gift from You. But how could I have known what might have happened?

Later, I received a return call from the local wild animal rescue organization. So, I frantically drove an hour from our home and then tearfully said goodbye to that beautiful reminder of Your presence. “Oh LORD, please LORD, heal this sweet little bird and fix what I have done.” In Jesus’ Name. Amen.