May 7, 2012 My Personal Journal Entry: LORD, why do I keep sinning against You God?

Wonderful, merciful Savior, each time You bring to light the pride that still exists in my heart, I feel discouraged. Your Word says that I am a new creature in Your Son, Jesus. But, sometimes I still feel like a fragile sinner, full of faults and haunted by old sinful habits. Why must I continue to stumble over the same useless obstacle, pride? Oh, how I wish You’d remove it, once and for all.

It was final hours of my husband’s home visit. You had filled the last few days of his long home visit with Your peace. I wanted LeeRoy to leave our home feeling Your love. So, I stood in the hallway for hours washing all of his laundry. “Perhaps LeeRoy might enjoy crawling into clean, fresh smelling sheets after his long drive north," I thought. Finally, two loads left!

On the television, a Christian movie played. In between folding batches of clothes, I snuggled up with my husband while we watched the movie together. I let my guard down and once again, we were showing affection towards one another.

But, just after the movie had ended, LeeRoy left the room. A few moments later, he appeared by my side looking very excited.  “Well, I’m going to head back to the campsite. I’ll stop by in the morning to say goodbye before heading out.”  My thoughts instantly filled with suspicion and insecurity. I wasn’t going to see my husband for at least another month, and there was still time to create memories. “Where was he really going?” I began to wonder. “What was he choosing over a few additional hours with his family?”

Memories of how I had dutifully washed, cooked and cared for my husband during each home visit flashed in my mind.  I tried to pretend that I was not feeling hurt. But doubt, resentment, and bitterness frenzied me.

I must have looked so foolish when my husband approached me to gather his final laundry bag. As the pain of rejection erupted, I gave into my angry temper.  “You're leaving now when you could still spend more time with us?” I questioned as I placed my husband's wet comforter in a large garbage bag and handed him the dripping mess. And that was it. He was gone. Our last day together for a while ended in disgrace. I knew my reaction was unholy. I had allowed anger and uncertainty to overshadow my ability to trust You. Sadly, my husband left our home that afternoon with his head held low.  I felt small too! Why was I nurturing a grudge again?

Soon, the phone rang.  Ring Ring Ring!... Ring ring ring... I stomped over to the phone. Thinking it was my husband on the other side of the call, I almost didn’t answer. But, then I had a feeling to answer the call. It was our church Pastor. He was calling to confirm our attendance on an upcoming marriage cruise. Now, I was forced to call my husband to inquire about our attendance.  Divine intervention! And yet, not even a call from my Pastor could return my perspective. At that moment, I still wanted to be right. I continued with my immature behavior throughout the rest of the night.

The next morning, LeeRoy called early to say “goodbye.” Again, I held on tight to my pride. Sadly, my husband left for a long drive without even a hug.

At this point, the same question began repeating in my mind. "Why am I acting this way?"  I was feeling so discouraged by my behavior, that I decided to drive to church and join a women's Bible study group. The Bible study was entitled, “How to become a more virtuous woman.” My heart began to soften as I learned how to serve others without having to be right. I began to wonder, “Were You teaching me that greatness is measured by humility regardless of the circumstances?”

When I returned home from church, I disabled my defenses and called my husband. I apologized for holding a grudge. He apologized too. That's when I started to reflect on how I had acted over the past two days. The upcoming holiday, Mother's Day came to mind. Instantly, I thought of my two children, who were currently living at home. "What had I done?" I questioned. In my selfishness, I hadn't bothered to consider the image I was reflecting to my two boys.  Had I completely forgotten the responsibility You had given me as a Christian?  I had based my actions on how I was being treated rather than remaining a steady, dependable and God-fearing woman.

Immediately, I knelt down at Your feet LORD, and prayed, “Almighty God and Dear Heavenly Father, please help me as I seek to live a life empowered by your Holy Spirit. Give me a new and clean heart as I intentionally put aside my old habits and desires. Thank You for providing me this opportunity to grow my character. Please continue to make me more like Your Son, Jesus, my LORD. I pray. Amen.”

“Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,^[a]
And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.”

Psalm 51 (NKJV) A Prayer of Repentance