June 30, 2013: My Personal Journal Entry: When You Can't feel God's Presence-You are the one Who walked away

            Dear God of Mercy, it’s been three days of prayer and submission to Your Word. Yet, I still feel as though I am wandering. Everyone has been praying for me to find my way back to Your side. I’ve decided to say “goodbye” to the local church members of the small town we’ve been living in. It seems only right to thank them in person for the numerous hours they spent walking by our side and encouraging our family. I’ll write more about my day as it comes to an end.

Later on

Holy Father, thank You for hearing my prayer and the prayers of all of my brothers and sisters. Today, after church service had ended, I approached the local Pastor and his wife. Time to say “goodbye.” They quickly and tenderly hugged me. I shared what was happening in my marriage. Not surprisingly, they pulled me aside and we all grabbed hands while the Pastor prayed. He prayed for my husband to change his heart and to allow for our safe return back home.

A few minutes later, after a few more hugs, we exited the church. Suddenly, I felt an unexpected tug on my heart to call my husband a second time. I knew Your Spirit was leading me. So, before returning to my parents’ home, I drove our youngest to a local coffee shop where he could eat breakfast while I spoke to my husband. I was determined to rely on Your divine grace to guide my words. I humbly apologized! To my surprise, my husband quickly apologized too. I asked to see him. He agreed. Therefore, we returned to the trailer site.

Right away, LeeRoy and Travis seemed relieved to know that “all would be back to normal soon.” But, all was not well with my soul. The thought of returning to our failing marriage was causing an untamable knot in the pit of my stomach. Even so, we decided to drive to my parent’s home to gather our belongings. With white knuckles, I held on tight to my Bible the entire drive.

When we returned back to the trailer park, I unpacked boxes late into the night. In between each empty box, I paused to go outside. While resting my head on our hammock, I looked around for traces of Your presence. Perhaps You’d send a dove confirming that I was back in Your favor again.  However, every hint of You had vanished. I couldn’t feel Your presence.  I opened Your Word and felt even more distant and alone.  Uncontrollable weeping. Had You abandoned me? Lord, You said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5). My heart aches. I long for You! Where are You, LORD?