Almighty, infinite Father, today, I decided to listen to a CD that I had picked up at a woman’s conference back in March. Little did I know just how much Your Spirit would convict my heart.
I had just begun to wash our morning dishes when I decided to place the cd into our Trailer’s CD player. With no introduction or lead-in music, a woman’s firm voice suddenly boomed throughout the surround sound speakers. Through her southern drawl, I felt You reaching out to me again. It didn’t take long before I felt weak in the knees. With clasped hands, I clutched the kitchen dish towel and sank into our trailer’s small kitchen chair. I was astounded. “Another personal heart to heart message from You.” I thought.
I prepared my mind as I do each time a Pastor walks up to the podium with a Bible in his hand. My heart was soft and vulnerable. The woman began to speak. “You’re still trying to fix your husband!” The woman boldly said. “Your husband isn’t the problem! I am using the rough edges of your husband to shape you into My image.” Instantly, tears began to roll down my cheeks as I leaned in. “I want you to be a woman of chaste and respectful behavior. I can fix your husband in a heartbeat. But what I am after is you!” No words. I just sat still, head held low. I wept, while one thought continued to flood my mind, “You are still failing at being a Christian!”
It took some time before I could peel myself off of that chair and resume my chores. For almost thirty minutes, I stayed in the same position pondering how I could still be stuck somewhere between unresolved bitterness and pride. Perhaps I had allowed my focus to be on my expectations for my marriage instead of how You were using my marriage to shape my heart. Maybe I was still waiting for that “Big Moment” in my marriage when everything would become all that I had hoped it would be. Or could it be that I was living in the fear that I’d be married to an unbeliever forever?
My head began to fill with twinges and pangs. I slowly got up from the table and resumed my dish duty, tears still rolling down my cheeks. In that moment, I couldn’t picture how I might have been showing my husband disrespect. I thought that I was finally embracing Your instruction and training on how to become a godly wife. I thought I began to yield to my husband. I racked my brain as I mulled over each day of recent weeks gone by.
Day by day, I had taken special care to cook LeeRoy’s favorite meals. And, even when he’d abruptly announce, “Going to play golf,” as he headed out of the door, I’d bite my tongue. Then, when he’d return home hours later with no phone call, I’d do my best to speak in a respectful manner. I even removed that slight edge in my voice and replaced it with a soft tone. And, when kindness and grace sparked additional rejection from my husband, I simply prayed through the pain. I also set aside a few minutes every morning to open my devotional journal, “The Power of a Praying Wife,” by Stormie Omartian and pray a prayer from my heart for my husband.
That’s why I am sitting here tearful LORD. I don’t understand what I am still doing wrong. I am trying my hardest to move past my sins and weak areas, but You seem to want to use them to bring me into a deeper relationship with You. I don’t believe that You see me as a failure. Perhaps this painful revealing today is merely part of the refining process.
As Your child, I am grateful that You are shaping me into Your image and preparing for eternity with You. Yet, I today, I find myself struggling to understand the path to purity and heaven. Before I took my first steps with You, my marriage was in shambles. Then shortly after You saved me, my husband I seemed to be in unison. Now, once again, I am facing adversity, trouble, rejection, and failure. While I know in my heart that this trial is to free me from my own selfishness and change me into the likeness of Jesus, it still hurts!
God almighty, today, I will cling to the fact that You love me. And, though my flesh may fail me sometimes, Your love for me never will. Please help me today, as I continue to submit my Spirit to Your will in reverence of You. I love Thee LORD. In the Son of Man’s Holy name, Jesus. Amen.”
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