Dear Sovereign LORD. Tomorrow, my husband is getting baptized. Everyone is so excited! Everyone except me. I am feeling deeply troubled.
One night in the middle of another tense interaction, LeeRoy shared his intentions for his ‘special day.’ “I’m getting baptized.” He said. Then, he made it clear that not one person from our home church was invited. Further, I was “not to question him about why he wanted to get baptized, or I would be excluded too!” This was too much!
Despite Your repeated tender lessons and gentle warnings, my words ran over my husband like a bulldozer pushing over a mound of dirt. “You are still acting exactly the same! You haven’t surrendered your heart to God! Baptism is an outward expression of a desire to live for Christ and desire to stop sinning. I don’t understand. How can you be getting baptized and still act like you don’t need God? You never read His Word or spend any time with Him,….etc.” I continued to rant.
In that moment, all I could see was my husband’s sin. I had completely forgotten how gracious and patient You were in waiting for me to give my life to You! I now regretfully wonder, “Why wouldn’t You be just as gracious and patient towards my husband?”
Today, I sit here, wallowing in disappointment and filled with regret for my judgmental outburst. Just as I have done so many times before, I open Your Word and pray for wisdom, as I ask You, “What do I do now LORD?” Suddenly, the pages of my Bible land upon 1 Peter, chapter 3. I begin to read. Once again, You instruct me to do the exact opposite of what my flesh tells me to do. You say, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” 1 Peter chapter 3: 1-2. (NKJV)
I feel those old defensive walls rise around my heart. I fight with all my might to keep my heart vulnerable as the pain of my unmet craving for affection and attention claws its way inside. I bow my defeated head and begin to pray. “Father God, please help me to submit to my husband even when he is distant and aloof. Teach me how to show Your boundless love for LeeRoy even when the pain of rejection is too much to bear.”
I struggle to finish my prayer as a desire to hide comes over me. Then, I look down at the now soggy pages of my Bible. For a moment, time seems to be going slower as I let out a long troubled sigh.
After a few more tears, I think a new thought. LORD, You are everything I want in a husband. Will You marry me?” Then, I close my Bible and begin to sob.
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