October 22, 2012: My Personal Journal Entry. God forgives all sin, Even Murder. Sin is Sin. Jesus Paid it all!

Father God today was one of those days when I just wanted to just crawl back into bed. The minute my feet hit the floor, my mind began filling with discouraging thoughts. “Can’t you see how far your husband has walked away from God? It’s all your fault! How can you call yourself an Evangelist, if you can’t even lead the ones closest to you into a relationship with Jesus Christ?” I was under attack. And, I was letting the enemy get to me. Very quickly, my eyes filled with tears as I began to grieve for the marriage I had once pictured with my husband.

Just then, our youngest son, Travis appeared by my side. He looked at me with hopefulness and asked, “Mom, can we go to Wal-Mart and spend some of my birthday money?” I dried my eyes. But I wasn’t feeling quite strong enough to march out the door and boldly share Your Gospel message. So, I replied. “I am not sure son. Can you please give me a minute to decide?” Travis said, “Of course mommy,” and then walked away.

I wonder now if I had begun to believe the enemy’s lies because, in that moment, all I could think was, “Perhaps I have no business in sharing You with others. Maybe I’m not a very good Evangelist after all.” I hit my knees and began to pray. “Lord, if it is Your will that I should go to Walmart today, please show me a sign.” Just then, Travis returned to where I sat. I took it as a sign and we drove to the large department store.

Once inside, I felt Your Spirit quietly whisper to my heart. “Share your testimony with that man.” I looked around and noticed an employee standing in the deli section who was covered in muscles and tattoos.  It took all that I had to push my doubt aside before I walked over to the man and began to share my testimony. Right on cue, just after I had said, “I was arrested and charged with a felony,” the man sweetly interrupted me and asked, “YOU were charged with a felony?” Then, he shook his head in disbelief.

I paused for a moment and remained silent as the man began to describe how, in the past, he had murdered two men, but he was never caught or charged with a crime. I could hear his heart aching as he described his “unforgivable, nonredeemable and unpardonable” crimes.  The man was beating himself up just as I had done a few hours earlier.

Then, as if I was speaking to directly to my own heart, I began to share about the unending grace I had found in Jesus Christ. When I finished, the man said something that surprised me. He said, “I am a Christian too!” I smiled and replied, “You and I both sinned greatly. We were both guilty. Through Jesus Christ, we were both set free!” After I had said this, the man took a step backward. He paused and said, "I lost my only Bible recently. It had my name inscribed on it." I smiled and quickly replied, "It would be an honor for me to purchase a new Bible for you. I will deliver your gift to you this week." Then, we said “goodbye.”

Soon after, my son and I walked around the department store looking for winter clothes and a special birthday toy.  As we strolled along, I found myself in quiet prayer to You. “LORD, I may never feel worthy to share You with others. Yet, somehow You count me worthy and use me in ways I never dreamed! I realize now, that I am not a terrible Evangelist because I cannot convert my husband’s heart. Only Your Spirit can truly convert a person’s heart. Lord, please give me the strength to carry on in my marriage and to remember that perhaps it’s just not time for my husband to fully surrender yet. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

1. JESUS PAID IT ALL
   1. I hear the Savior say,
      “Thy strength indeed is small;
      Child of weakness, watch and pray,
      Find in Me thine all in all.”
      • Refrain:
        Jesus paid it all,
        All to Him I owe;
        Sin had left a crimson stain,
        He washed it white as snow.
   2. For nothing good have I
      Whereby Thy grace to claim;
      I’ll wash my garments white
      In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.
   3. And now complete in Him,
      My robe, His righteousness,
      Close sheltered ’neath His side,
      I am divinely blest.
   4. Lord, now indeed I find
      Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
      Can change the *leper’s spots [*leopard’s]
      And melt the heart of stone.
   5. When from my dying bed
      My ransomed soul shall rise,
      “Jesus died my soul to save,”
      Shall rend the vaulted skies.
   6. And when before the throne
      I stand in Him complete,
      I’ll lay my trophies down,
      All down at Jesus’ feet.

   *alternate text, alluding to Jeremiah 13:23