July 1, 2013: My Personal Journal Entry: God always waits patiently to welcome us back home.

Dear Tender Shepherd, last night I fell asleep with tears streaming onto my Bible below. I never felt so lost before. It took all I had to fight the rush of anxiety and sadness that begged to come over me while I stared at the trailer’s mirrored closet doors. In my mind, I was back to square one and I had no idea of what to do next.

This morning, I open my Bible and submit my heart to You. Something deep down begins to stir as I softly snivel, “Please help me find my way back, LORD.”

Then, with a long sigh, tightness in my chest and tears welling in my eyes, I humbly pray, “Please, God, won't You ease this burden? Please take me back LORD.” While holding my precious Bible by the spine, I allow the pages to land as You will. I look down to notice that pages have landed upon the story of Jonah. Through the tears, I smile as if I had known all along how You might have responded to my recent behavior. Then, I begin to read. Very patiently and gently, You start to unpack the biblical story, revealing to me how I had mistrusted Your plan and rebelled against Your instructions.

It takes a while for the message to begin to sink in. But, as each word trickles deep down, I feel a change occurring in me. Somehow I know this particular failure will be life-altering.

After about forty minutes of pressing into You, I placed my Bible aside and go about my daily chores.  Through each freshly folded piece of laundry, sparkling dish, and pile of kitchen floor dust, I meditate on the Words You’ve spoken to my heart. By the end of the day, I can see the story of Jonah in a brand new, fresh way.

Soon night befalls me. I once again mull over recent events, seeing clearly now the road I had chosen to wander upon. I begin to wonder why I had stopped following You in the first place and why I had I pushed You away and put distance between us. I realize that I had allowed the difficulties of my marriage to fester. I had become angry, not just with my husband, but with Your timing and Your plan for my marriage. Oh, how difficult it is to admit that I was angry with You, LORD.

But now, somehow, I see how foolish I had acted. I realize that these wounds I am feeling were caused by my own disloyalty to You, my King. In Your goodness and mercy, and for my benefit, You allowed me to go through this trial. In Your love, You remained faithful and patient and never left my side. Oh LORD, I am sorry that I tried to rush Your timing. I am sorry that couldn’t see the importance of my marriage through Your eyes. From now on, no matter what, I promise to remain by my husband’s side if only to demonstrate to LeeRoy just how loyal You really are. 

Please, Father, hold my hand a little tighter during times when I need to cover my eyes. Thank You for loving me the way that You do. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen. 

June 28, 2013: My Personal Journal Entry: Modern Day Jonah Story

I left our home with Travis in tow and drove to my parent’s home. It only took forty minutes to reach our destination. Along the way, I convinced myself that You were willing a divorce. I let my imagination run away with me. I would be greeted with all the usual sympathy and compassion my parents could muster. By the time I had arrived, I was thanking You for such a safe haven.

Right away, my parents and I managed to upset each other. Soon, we too were having a terrific quarrel. That's when it dawned on me. I had fallen into a trap and I was now walking on an old familiar road. A rugged road, where there’s barely enough flickering light for a weary traveler to see his next step.
Travis and I tried to settle in. He was clearly troubled and I must admit, my mind and soul were at odds too. In his innocence, Travis just couldn’t understand why his parents were at such odds. At one point, he set his feelings aside and met me at the kitchen table where I sat reading Your Word. He laid his hand upon my shoulder and sweetly said, “I am sorry Mommy.” I turned and hugged Travis while whispering, “We’re going to be okay Son.” 
With our heads held low, we went to bed early hoping a new day would bring some answers and a fresh sense of Your hope.